Leaked Shrek 5: The Return Script
by Galaxyishigh
Summary: I've finally found it after all these years. The blessed Shrek 5 entire script. We've been waiting for this boys.
1. Scene 1

**Scene 1**

Shrek was sad. He couldn't dab as hard as he wanted that day. Of course, his dabs were still very powerful. The force of his dabs rippled the earth, but he couldn't create black holes. The government forbade Shrek to ever dab that powerful again.

The green ogre got out of bed, grabbing one of his children on the way to a mud bath. He proceeded to drown the child as he closed his eyes and listened to his grandfather Shronk's kind words he said before he passed.

"Listen me boi Shrek, I just injected heroin into my eyes. Come here so I teach you the ways of yeet it." Shrek never forgot those words. Shrek never forgets. Once the child stopped breathing, Shrek saw no reason to waste such good cuisine, so he dug in.

After a nice meal, Shrek rubbed his tummy in pleasure and walked back to his wife, who greeted him.

"Get the fuck out! The restraining order states you can't be within 15 feet ofthe house." Shrek responds.

"Shut up bitch, at least I didn't burn the toast." He grabbed her by the head and snapped her neck furiously, as he saw the toast was still burnt. As Shrek ate the toast bitterly, he looked back to Donkey staring at the dead body of Shrek's wife.

"Pathetic." Donkey said with no emotion. His eyes were glazed over by the torture Shrek instilled upon him earlier that week. Shrek looked into Donkey's dead eyes.

"H-U-N-G-R-Y?" Shrek echoes.

Donkey knelt down and began to slowly feast upon her flesh.

Rumpelstiltskin appeared suddenly, yelling furiously in anger as Shrek looks at him. The ogre peers at the short man.

"You are a man with nothing left. Your life has been a waste. You are dead inside, just like me, and you will die alone. Just like me." Shrek opened his hands to welcome Rump to the Void. Rumple appears afraid. Shrek notices his concerns and offers a comforting rub on the penis.

"I know you are scared. But it will be okay. You just need to let me in."

Rumple tentatively grabs Shrek's hands and the Ogre leads him to the void. Rumple fears the stress of life washing away. He was okay. he was in bliss. Then he noticed the Farquaad in the corner, yelling:

"E!" Over and over again. Rumple goes to turn back. Shrek stops him.

"Oh no no." Shrek wags his finger. "You made the choice. This is your home now."

The doors close and darkness envelopes them. SHREK 5 appears in red and slowly fades away as the next scene starts.


	2. Scene 2

Donkey was staring at the mangled corpse of Shrek's wife, Fiona. Walking away, Donkey mumbled something about waffles. Shrek comes back from the void, screaming as his atoms are ripped apart and reassembled. Shrek looks around to find, he is not in _his_ swamp. Another Shrek stands in front of him in awe. Shrek walks up to the other.

"Ur mom gay" Shrek dabs, which causes a ripple in time. The other Shrek, dazed by the dab, falls over and hits his head on the table, killing him instantly. The other Shrek becomes enraged and throws falicia at a wall as hard as he can. It looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. Shrek sees Fiona walking up and fortnite dances, reversing time.

Shrek proceeds to montage kill the other Shrek in horrific ways. Medieval torture, neck snaps, all in the name of some good ol fun. Eventually, Shrek gets bored and tosses the other Shrek in a closet, then opening the door for Fiona. Fiona walks in the hut.

"Hey honey, How are you?" Shrek T-poses and Fiona is confused as fuck.

"It's NERF or nothin"." Shrek says, Fiona become aroused and eats Furgison.

Shrek grins.

* * *

Back in the void, Rumplestiltskin is being fucked furiously by that one guy from Jurassic World, the one played by Chris Pratt. The one who fucked the blue raptor. He roars majestically and goes off to fuck the raptor; Rumple does nothing for his Dinosaur fetish. Rumple is left abused, used, and unwanted. He begins to sob horrendously as he relives the torture. It has been four fucking minutes, but to Rumple it feels like four fucking years. He looks around at everyone Shrek has corrupted. There is a pony, pink furred. She is eating a dead child, possibly Lebron James jr. There is Sonic, the blue hedgehog, fisting Knuckles furiously. There is Crisp Rat, but we were just on him, so no point. Mario is there, babbling incoherently about "Bowsette". Rumple is afraid. But then he remembered:

Gay people can't die on New Year's Day! And what was it but December 25th! All he had to do was marry some gay guy and he would be gay and set. But who? Who?! Rumple's mind searched and searched. He grinned when his mind found a being who he could use. He rubbed his hands cackling. Then he rubbed his penis.

* * *

Back in the alternate Shrekverse, Shrek stared at the window. He frowned. There were no screams of dying children in the distance. Shrek would have to remedy that at some point. He flipped onto his back and crawled like a spider to the end of the room. He banged his head against the wall back and forth until his green ogre face was impossible to tell, it was all bloody muscle, broken teeth, and eyeballs. His face was covered in blood, red tears streamed down his face.

Shrek shambled to the closet and carefully took a scalpel from his asshole pocket. Shrek breathed heavily, trying to see through the tears. He began cutting, cutting, cutting until this universes Shrek was without a face. Shrek placed his new face on and stitched it. He tried to ignore the pain, but still found himself yelping. When he was finished, he smiled behind his new mask.

*CRASH!* A plate, pots and pans fell to the ground. Shrek whipped his head around and stared at Fiona, who had been staring up at him in horror. Why was she no longer in lust mode? Shrek asked himself. He did not like that. She began stepping back but Shrek jumped on her and roared in her face. Fiona cried and sobbed, terrified for her life. Shrek looked at her through the face mask, grabbing the scalpel.

"P-Please, no, please, please…" The ogre ignored her, stabbing into Fiona's delicate and supple flesh, tearing the muscle apart and lighting nerves on fire. Fiona screamed but Shrek immediately held her jaw in place so he could finish the procedure. Afterwards, Shrek took a look at the flesh and pieces of muscle that once belong on his alternate wife's face. He licked off a muscle and slurped it down, before looking down at her. He had let go off her jaw, but Fiona was in too much pain to do anything but scream. Her tears burned against her bare muscle and fat, which only made her cry harder. The whole floor had been coated their blood. Shrek smiled at the thought of a nice drink after all of his hard work. He began stitching her face back on. She screamed louder. Shrek did not stop, he did not speak. Her screams filled the entire swamp with an immediate sense of danger. Farkle hid the best a child could think of, under the table and closing his eyes. He tried to cry silently.

At last, it was done. Fiona's new mask was complete. Shrek pushed it up into a smile as he heard her pleas for mercy and for him to just stop.

"Please, I'll d-do anyth-thing…" The ogre bride cried more blood. Shrek placed a finger over her lip.

"See? Now you're beautiful." He whispered softly in his Scottish accent. The smell of iron had coated the entire treehouse. Shrek pulled her up and looked down the hallway to Farkle, who closed his eyes once more and pretended the monster who had hurt his mommy and daddy wasn't there. Shrek spoke softly to the child.

"Hello there, Farkle. It's me, daddy." He said warmly. Farkle opened his eyes hesitantly, still crying. "Yeah, it's okay, it's just me and mommy, we're playing a new game." He looked to his sobbing wife. "Do you want to play with us Farkle, my son?" The baby looked up at Shrek. He walked over, feeling more comfortable now that he knew it was daddy. Shrek smiled. "That's right, Farkle, let's go play a game. But first…" he grabbed the scalpel. "You need a mask to play it."

Scene 2 ends and scene 3 begins.


	3. Scene 3

**Scene 3**

Rumplestiltskin yeeted up to the top of the void balcony just beneath the river of damned souls. He stared down at the faces of his mother and father as they screamed for him to help them. He looked down at them and dropped his trousers, pissing on their very souls. Suddenly, he heard a noise- a buzzing noise. He whipped his head around and there he was- Barry Bee Benson: Queerbee Extraordinaire.

"You like jazz?" The bee says. "I like jazz- AND cock!" Barry does a Jo-Jo pose. Rumple smiled at him.

"I'm sure you do buddy!" He said awkwardly. Barry flew up to Rumple and waved.

"Hey Rump-Rump, do you need something? After all these years since college?"

"It was one time and I was drunk!"

"So was I!"

Barry does another Jo-Jo pose. Rumplestiltskin is still pissed.

"Listen, just, Jesus Christ can you let me out of here?" Barry thought for a moment, rubbing his bee chin.

"Perhaps."

Barry then rips Rumple's nuts off, the speed and force causing the aforementioned man to travel back to the world from the void.

"yay" Rumple said. He turned around to face Barry.

"I need fifty pounds of honey, STAT!" Barry saluted and began working as fast as he could to make as much honey as humanly possible. But then again, Barry is a bee, so it would really be as beely as possible. Heh.

"Here you go Rump-Rump!" Barry tosses a giant jar filled with honey. Rumplestiltskin catches it and begins wafting it in every direction.

"What are you doing?"

"I can smell the onions," Rumplestiltskin narrowed his eyes.

"He's near." Suddenly, Rump felt heavy breathing on his neck.

"Who's here?" The smooth scottish voice asked him calmly, softly, almost like a tickle in his ear. Rump had never felt more fear then when he heard that voice. He cringed silently as The ogre's bloodied tongue began to unfurl and crawl it's way up his ear, and finally into it. He stood there, frozen in fear. The tongue popped out of his head and back into Shrek's mouth.

"I forgot how good you taste Rumplestiltskin. Oh how I missed you." The slight moan Shrek made in his ear when he sounded the "Oh" made Rumplestilskin's hair stand on end. He whimpered, trying to gain the courage the courage to speak. "Rumple, why did you leave your new home? Do you not like it? I made special for you. I made it special for _all_ of them." Shrek's hands landed on his shoulders.

"S-Sh-Shre-"

"Rumple. You know, looking away from me while I talk to you is rude. Didn't anybody ever teach you some manners?"

Rumple didn't move initially. But the hands squeezing on his shoulders, as they slowly dropped, down to his waist, the violating green ogre fingers exploring every inch of his body. When the fingers went lower, Rumple turned around to face the green ogre.

"That's better."

Rumple felt like he was going to puke. Shrek's "mask" was rotten in several places, the muscle sagging, tears of blood ran down his cheeks constantly from the inside. His yellow teeth showed through the unmoving lips of the torn face. Shrek has taken his own fingers into the eye holes and pulled them down, pinning them to his cheeks with rusty nails.

"Do you like it?" Shrek asked him. He then leaned down, bloodshot eyes staring at him unblinking.

"I can get you one two." Shrek whispered.

"B-Barry-" He looked over to see Barry had been crushed to death by Shrek, in a Jo-jo pose. Rumple turned to look back at Shrek, beginning to hyperventilate.

"What's wrong? Rump-Rump? Are you okay?" Shrek mocked his ex-lover's nickname for him behind his emotionless face.

The non ogre didn't think twice before he t-posed into the forest, running for his life. Rumplestiltskin looked behind him to see Shrek's wife and children, along with the ogre himself, dabbing furiously. Damn, he knew his t-pose could never defeat Shrek's dabbing capabilities.

"FUCK!" Rumplestiltskin yelled when he tripped over a log. Using it to his advantage, Rumple placed his body as low to the ground as possible, his face buried into the dirt. He felt a weight press against his back.

"I know you're awake Rumple. If you don't move I might decide to do something with you position there." Shrek said. Rumple prayed for forgiveness to any god that was willing to listen. Shrek placed his huge hands on Rump's rump. Rumple jolted as a loud BANG! Was heard. When nothing happened, he turned around to find All five of the ogre's had been shot in the head, killing all but Shrek. He would return, likely in a different body. There was only one way to defeat a Shrek.

"Like, you okay, man?" Rumple recognized the voice instantly. His prayer to the gods had been answered. A literal god stood before him, taking time out of his immortal existence to help him.

"No...it can't be." Standing before Rumplestiltskin's very eyes, in all his glory, was Norville "Shaggy" Rogers.

The next scene plays.


End file.
